in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
