Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
