I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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