God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
