The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
