I'm jealous of your bromance
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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