why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
