My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
