I puked a lego.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
sarcasm needs its own font
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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