Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
