A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
