where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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