Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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