Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
