I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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