remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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