My Higher Power is John Stamos
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
