She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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