I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
