I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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