You can't special order awesome
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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