I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
