i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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