Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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