so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
