I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
