Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
