Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
