Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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