careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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