Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
cat food counts as protein by the way
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
