4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
