You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
