i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
