i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
