This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
