I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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