Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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