You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
