I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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