Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
