my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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