I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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