More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
