She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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