The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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