walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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