Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
