i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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