He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
