I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
