then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
