my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
