It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
